Welcome to the first in an occasional series in which I'll present solutions to the very real problems faced by nerds today. Nerds, as we know, are the most important people in the world. They give us science, art and technical support. Behind every great man or woman is an unseen army of nerds. Often doing a wee in their coffee. But despite their vital role, the problems of nerds are often overlooked. Well, no longer! Fear not, my socially inadequate brothers and sisters. Allow me to offer the lessons learned from many years of dedicated nerddom.

Lesson 1: Getting caught looking at porn.

The internet is for porn, as they say. And since nerds invented the internet, it's only right that we should get first dibs on the good stuff. But whether you're at home, in the office or on the train, getting caught perusing the latest offering from MassiveArses.com can be potentially embarrassing. How do you respond to the cornish-faced gawks of your colleagues? Here are a few suggestions.

Blame typos: "Whoops, I meant to Google 'Symbiosis in higher plants', but accidentally searched for 'Samus Aran in only her pants'."
Notes: This might not work, but it's worth a shot.

Disown the computer: "Hang on, this isn't my machine! It must belong to some pervert!"
Notes: It adds to the effect if you then pick up the computer and throw it out of the window, but don't do this unless you were seriously considering upgrading anyway.

Pretend it's art: "It's common knowledge that Botticelli and Rubens routinely painted erotic scenes, often involving whips and wrestling in jam."
Notes: This isn't strictly true, but remember you're a nerd. Nobody is going to argue with you about Renaissance art.

Distraction: "Look out of that window! A dead body!"
Notes: If you're going to use this technique, then be aware that it's very difficult to distract somebody from porn, which is in itself the ultimate distraction. A dead body is one of the few things more awesome than jiggling naked people. If you can actually find a dead body, this technique should work all the better.

Appeal to their better nature: "I'm having a sponsored 'looking at porn' day. For charity."
Notes: This often works as well, as people will let you get away with just about anything if they think it's for charity. Tell them you're raising money for the Cute Injured Orphaned Guide Dogs for Cute Orphaned Deaf Children With One Leg and Tragically Hairy Knuckles Appeal, or something. If they seem to be buying it, ask for sponsorship. You could make a tidy profit.

Try honesty: "Yes, I'm looking at porn. I like porn. It is good."
Notes: Use at your own risk, but I can't deny I'm curious to see what would happen if anyone actually tried this.

That's all for today, kids. What will it be next time? Avoiding sport, or maybe nightclub survival techniques? There's only one way to find out: keep checking this blog for further updates! Alternatively, you could just put the whole matter out of your head and get on with your life. That's probably a better idea, actually.